Facing into the anger within. Right now I feel calm and quiet. Last night a storm was raging.
I remember hearing about something called the primal scream, some sort of therapy, group-workshopy kind of thing from the 70s, and I have tended to discount a lot of what was going on then, because I was a teenager, but the reality is that much of what people were up to then, we’re up to now. Maybe the words to describe it are slightly different, but the core tenants are true. We’re looking for our essence, what’s at our core, and there is a darkness there that many, and most specifically, I don’t want to look at. Or haven’t wanted to look at. That’s where the primal scream bit comes in.
Mark worked from home yesterday and so we were able to head down to our couple’s mastership circle together. I was sniping at him. No need to go into the actual story, suffice it to say that I felt hurt and so was lashing out in a completely “on the triangle” kind of way.
When we got to the location I was buzzing with unexpressed anger. I chose to move some of it through my body. I was still running on the story that had triggered the anger (or rather, had allowed me to access it, since normally I keep that shit buried as far below the surface as I possibly can – I’m working on this, but it’s still my main M.O.).
Anyway, a series of things happened that ended up in our whole group accessing that anger, in turns, with the express intent to “out” those feelings, and to have an opportunity to “hold space” for those feelings as well. I did both, express and hold space. I was able to express far more than I thought possible and I was able to hold far more space that I thought possible. It was a powerful experience and I have so much gratitude for the courageous people in this group, who are willing to take those leaps of faith, to walk through what looks like fire, to find the peace on the other side.
Deep connections were made last night through watching and experiencing one after another expressing. It was mostly a feminine storm and the masculine holding space, though there were forays into the masculine rage and the feminine version of holding space.
I had the opportunity to hold space for a very powerful woman. I had no idea I could stand in that much rage and simply be. And she came at me with everything she had. It was beautiful to watch. I got to see her in her power, standing strong, standing for her NO! And I found out that I could hold space for all that and more.
I am much stronger that I knew.
We all are.
